The Way Back Machine

Pointers From Dead Presidents

by Mac Dunlop

In this time of political uncertainty, social upheaval, and Super Big Gulps there is a desperate cry amongst certain sectors of the populace for answers to the world’s problems. One can only hope that the upcoming Presidential election -- and the heightened political awareness that it inspires -- will set us on a collective path to happiness and harmony. However, there are those of us who feel that this is not enough, and that one cannot move forward without first looking back. In this spirit of physics-defying adventure, the bright minds at Rhino have created a contraption that is able to make contact with the great beyond. We call it “The Way Back Machine,” and it is at your service. However, a creation of this caliber is not to be treated lightly, teased, or poked with a stick. Bearing this in mind, we used “The Way Back Machine” to contact several past U.S. presidents and make of them a simple request:

“Can you PLEASE help us? We have no idea what’s going on and according to the history books, you guys seem to have run a fairly tight ship in your day. So, pretty please, with sugar on top, could you give us a few pointers?”

We weren’t sure which presidents we’d reach, if any. The atmosphere was quite tense as our team awaited the initial responses. Chief Engineer Chick Boyd sweated through his shirt...and pants...and was summarily dismissed. After electing a new CE, we returned to find that contact with the former leaders of the free world had been established! Here’s what the old geezers had to say:

Thomas Jefferson

In the Age of Enlightenment we believed in the dignity of the common man and used the principles of this belief to shape a nation. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It was called America, and a whole bunch of decent people died defending the rights and aspirations detailed in our Declaration Of Independence. Now I’m wondering why the hell we even bothered! The rich are richer, the poor are poorer, and everyone else is busy watching American Idol and choking down Whoppers! I mean, what the f$*%, people?!? Technology provides you with a few pleasant diversions and conveniences like satellite TV, the Internet, and cell phones, and you all turn into a bunch of apathetic morons. Meanwhile, you let the “saints” in charge rewrite every law in the land and piss all over the Constitution. We spent a lot of time on that thing!

So here’s my final message from the cosmos:

Money is only paper, and there is no God. Chew on that for a while. You’re all doomed.

Millard Fillmore

Ok, let’s get something straight, I was President of the United States -- the most powerful man in the country for crying out loud! I know it’s cute to bandy my name about as the “President that nobody remembers,” but it is SO not cool. I heard recently that they’re even using my birthday as excuse to have car sales. I’m assuming this is on the same tip as the “nobody knows me” shit. I am an American success story! I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and rose to the highest office in the land! Not that you care -- I bet you’re making fun of me right now! Assholes.

Grover Cleveland

As far as the White House goes, I pretty much came and went as I pleased. I did my four years, split for a while... then I CAME BACK! Did another four years and cruised into the history books. Heck, they had to outlaw that shit so I didn’t get elected again! That’s right, I’d still be President now! HOO AHH!! I hear all these cats whining about term limits and whatnot. Lemme tell ya something, we’ve always had term limits. They’re called elections. If somebody’s not doing a good job, you vote them out. Pretty simple. As matter of fact, I recommend you try it this November.

Herbert Hoover

Everything seems pretty cool to me.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Fear has once again raised its ugly head. This is the only thing we have to fear... fear, that is. When the day comes that man is no longer afraid of fear, we will march forward unafraid and... er... fearless. I’m afraid that my message to you frightened people of the 21st century is still the same: don’t be afraid of fear, and there’s nothing else that could frighten you as much... as fear.

Oh, and by the way, somebody tell Kennedy that I don’t much care for his usurping of the three initial thing! That’s mine... FDR... the one and only. In fact, you better add me to your list of things to be afraid of, punk!

John F. Kennedy

There was a wrong, we had to right it... there was a war, we had to win it... there was a skirt, I had to chase it.

Seriously though, folks, people ask me what I miss most about being alive. I always answer emphatically, “tight sweaters!” However, with your fashions of today -- all that midriff showing -- I would have never gotten a single thing done! Believe you me. And another thing, how is it that my family could never get more than one guy in the White House and those bozos from Yale are two for two? If I didn’t know better, I would say that it’s some kind of conspiracy.

Richard Nixon

I am a crook. God, it feels so good to get that off my chest! Don’t you feel better? I know I do.

Ronald Reagan

I was President?

::Back To Main