Beauty Contest in The Burn Ward

George W. Bush Vs. John Kerry

by John Srebalus

Don’t you know there ain’t no devil
There’s just God when he’s drunk
-- Tom Waits

This is the part where I objectively rate the candidates on a variety of issues... or something like that. More like, given a few column inches by this bastion of free speech (whose views don’t necessarily -- and probably don’t -- reflect my own), I’m gonna indulge myself a bit of spin. It is politics, after all. However, please know that my wack worldview does allow a certain nonpartisan perspective where concerns a race between George W. Bush and John Kerry. I don’t like either one of them. As far as I’m concerned, they’re both Burberry Brinks guards willing to spray the whole street just to drop a couple thieves.

That’s right, I’m one of those. One of those lefty dreamers who believe that healthcare should be free and people shouldn’t be killed. I voted for Dennis Kucinich in the primary and I’m seriously considering writing his name on my ballot this November. If one of the two party nominees gets my chad, he’ll do so over my dead conscience. Both guys are moneyed and military minded. One started a war, the other signed off on it. Neither Skullman is gonna be caught weaving a loincloth or leading a salt march, know what I’m sayin’?

So let’s assume you could really give a damn whom I vote for or what I think. Am I going to contribute anything to your understanding of this election, or am I just enjoying the sound of my keystrokes? Yes... and yes.

The following scorecard compares Bush and Kerry on the basis of issues and various points of background interest. I can’t imagine anyone sitting on the fence for this election, but I guess it happens. I guess some people are waiting for the last four years to go into reruns before they commit their time to things that actually affect people in ways unrelated to their ability to get laid or decorate a room.

Let’s remember, the “hot-button” issues (abortion, death penalty, etc.) are tempting measures -- they’re like the express bus to our moral fiber -- but they’re also hot enough to be checked by the other branches of government. On the other hand, things like energy bills and Patriot Acts are more likely to slide through the dome in time for happy hour or tee time.

One last thing. Because I’m pissed at both of these guys doesn’t mean I’m saying there’s no difference. There certainly is, so vote based on what’s important to you. And while I’ve tried to (somewhat) fairly encapsulate their policies, don’t take my word for it -- read further. Rhino has a list of resources HERE.

And vote. We can at least pretend we’re living in a democracy... only kidding.

Personal Net Worth
Bush: $15.4 million
Kerry: $518.9 million

(Average total asset valuation; The Center for Public Integrity)

Education
Bush: Yale undergrad, Harvard MBA
Kerry: Yale undergrad, Boston College Law

Cheerleader?
Bush: Yes
Kerry: No

Military Service
Bush: Texas Air National Guard. No combat experience.
Kerry: Swift boat officer, Vietnam. Awarded Silver Star.

Spoke out publicly against U.S. involvement in a war?
Bush: No
Kerry: Yes. Referring to Vietnam, Kerry asked before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee in 1971, “How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake?”

Tax Cuts
Bush: For the bottom 60 percent of Americans, his average tax cut was $304. The median tax cut for all Americans was $470. The average tax cut for those making over $1 million a year was $112,925. (Urban-Brookings Tax Policy Center)
Kerry: Says he will repeal the Bush tax cuts for households with incomes over $200,000, but not the middle-class tax cuts, which he intends to make permanent.

Reproductive Rights
Bush: Pro-Life
Kerry: Pro-Choice

Health Care
Bush: “A government-run health care system is the wrong prescription,” according to his 2004 State of the Union address. Favors “a refundable tax credit that would allow millions to buy their own basic health insurance.” His 2003 Medicare bill, while it added long-awaited prescription drug coverage, also ensured major price protections for pharmaceutical companies. No more buying cheap meds in Canada.
Kerry: According to his Web site, Kerry’s plan is to “lower family premiums by up to $1,000 a year, cut waste from the system, lower the cost of prescription drugs to provide real relief to seniors, and use targeted tax cuts to extend affordable, high-quality coverage to 95 percent of Americans, including every child.”

Military Spending
Bush: Can anyone say $87 billion? That’s for Iraq alone. In 2002 announced a plan for a $48 billion increase to fight the war on terror.
Kerry: Cast his Senate vote against the $87 billion, but many say it was a political move to appeal to Dean voters. Plans to “Expand America’s active duty forces by 40,000... double America's special forces capability... complete the process of technological transformation by ensuring that our military has the most modern equipment and technology available.”

Gun Control
Bush: Against. Emphasis on prosecution of gun-related crimes.
Kerry: For. Emphasis on closing loopholes at gun shows and allowing litigation against gun manufacturers.

Israeli Security Fence
Bush: For
Kerry: For

Gay Marriage
Bush: Against gay marriage and civil unions.
Kerry: Against gay marriage, for civil unions.

Death Penalty
Bush: For
Kerry: Against, but would consider it for certain terrorists.

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