I've been to Ireland on St. Patty's Day, and it's not what you might think. For all the Guinness that flows, booze-ups almost take a back seat to family fun and reverence for the bearded missionary who didn't really drive the snakes from the Emerald Isle. Folks dress up, watch the parade, and take their kids to the pub to hear traditionals and Oasis covers. In short, it's not entirely the vomit stench and barbarism of a good Pogues tune.
But since we're here in the land of Shamrock Shakes and green rivers, let's go ahead and focus on the basest aspects of this fine holiday: good times, bad habits, and the recording artists who immortalize it all in song. Not feeling particularly saintly this St. Patrick's Day? Not to worry. Just belly up at your favorite public house and get stupid to some of the finest sounds this side of "99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall."
We don't condone self-destructive behavior of any sort, but if you're gonna hit it, make sure you take a taxi home... and don't join in any "Margaritaville" sing-alongs. Try these barroom ballads and back-alley anthems instead:
"Me And Bobby McGee" by Janis Joplin
Our very own Dr. Rhino may have been seen in a dank Hollywood haunt belting this one out with Vince Vaughn. Swingers alums aside, who could resist the saucy stylings of this Kristofferson classic?
"Roadhouse Blues" by The Doors
Evoking fast metal and dicey highway bars, this bluesy mother will bring out the cretin crooner in the starchiest of stockbrokers.
"Lola" by The Kinks
Again for the sing-along factor. Remember one word and you're good for several choruses.
"You And Me And The Bottle Makes Three Tonight" by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
No denial here ("So I think about my next drink"). As a happy-go-lucky swing number, this is about as celebratory and unapologetic as rock bottom gets. But don't worry, folks, I think the Daddy wears his gin and tonics like a pair of wingtips.
"Rumble" by Link Wray
If you don't know this one, just think greasers and drag racing. Or drinkin', smokin', and brawlin' in the LA River basin. Basically, the ultimate theme song to trouble.
"Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want" by The Smiths
Although in Pretty In Pink Jon Cryer merely mopes in his room to this tune, it's the cry-in-your-beer classic of postpunk. If you're a master of maudlin, you'll want to own this one outright.
"YMCA" by Village People
An unfortunate entry in the annals of civilization, this one helps jump-start the type of hack cheerleading that only several rounds of kamikazes can make you believe is acceptable.
"Mony Mony" by Billy Idol (originally Tommy James & The Shondells)
Forgive another unholy utterance, but this one warrants inclusion for the poignant lyrical improvisations it has inspired in frat houses far and wide. Goes somethin' like this:
Billy: "Here she comes now sayin' Mony Mony."
Partiers: "Hey hey what get laid get f..."
Remember that crap? Hopefully not.
"Innocent When You Dream" by Tom Waits
No need to torture the other patrons with your wasted wailings -- Tom Waits himself provides all the voices on this sloshy serenade. It's an interesting effect whereby he builds a barroom chorus with slurred variations of his own part. Personally, most of Tom's catalog makes me want to pull up a stool.
"One More For My Baby (And One More For The Road)" by Frank Sinatra
Drowned sorrows plain and simple. Frank loses girl. Frank seeks counsel of bartender. Frank closes down the joint, but not before putting back a couple of shots he doesn't need. If drunks could only be this cool when they're peeing in my yard at 3:00 AM.
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